Fallout

Fallout. How else do you put it?

So, it’s done.

I held it together whilst I was being ‘monitored’ for side effects, but when I left I was overwhelmed with emotion. Mixed – relief, regret, hatred, anger, sadness. I sat there with my head in my hands and a nurse asked me if I was OK. Yeah, I just want to leave! I physically cried when I left.

The first in that list is relief, the only positive one in the list but the one that gave me some sort of freedom. It’s not complete freedom as I’m still not happy with my decision. From a wordly point of view I have my freedom but from a soul point of view I’ve sold myself. I don’t have to give the thought process hours of my time any more.

Lessons. This is obviously my lesson at this point in my journey. The overriding feeling is injustice and unfairness. But these are subjective and personal, that’s why I feel them. I’ve fought for justice before, in a man made world, some I’ve won and some I’ve lost, in my view and in a man made world. And that’s where I am with this, some things are just bigger than me. Yes, I could have ‘won’ but at what cost? My sanity!

At the end of the day, it’s an unfair world, I keep being confronted with this and it’s obviously a lesson I still need to learn. I’ve surrendered but I don’t agree. I still have my principles and my integrity. I can still hold my head up high and be proud of who I am and what I stand for. I can empathise with those going through tough times. I, I, I.

And there it is. It’s not about me!

But, I take so much personally. I think that’s one of my biggest lessons and I’m not sure how to overcome it at the moment. I quite like the challenge of fighting the ‘system’ or general perceived ‘society’. I have strong views on what’s right and wrong. And to quote myself – ‘The law is an ass (unless I agree with it)’