Engaged

Or lack thereof. That’s been the pattern since my last post 18 months ago. It’s a funny (not funny) thing that creeps up and gets chipped away at. I’ve realised that I’m an introvert who learned to become an extrovert. I learnt to trust myself and my judgement and to just be myself. Since the whole pandemic thing I’ve reverted back and retreated back into my shell as it proved too dangerous to be myself. So who am I?

I can be super outgoing and the life of the party, but only if I get reward, recognition, validation, attention. If it’s shunned, misunderstood or not recognised I’ve been taking it personally and saying to myself ‘what’s the point in trying/making an effort’. I then change my behaviour and withdraw a little bit more.

I’ve also reverted to my ‘judgey’ self which never ends well. It compounds the lack of engagement for fear of judgement. I’m not sure I got back here, it may be a protection mechanism that actually doesn’t serve me well, focussing on what everyone else is doing wrong. Wrong, who says? Exactly, everyone is free to live by their own rules (within the law) but I guess my confidence has been rocked after the previous couple of years so I’ve reverted to old behaviour.

I’ve also found a link between my screen time and my apathy to do anything. That’s probably another post, along with how social media has really tapped into my fears and I’ve allowed that to cloud my perception of the world.

For now, that’s it, I’m back on the horse (not the bike).

Actually, I’ve just googled ‘engaged’, all images are about the prerequisite for getting married. The definition is interesting – busy, tied up, unavailable, occupied. Yep, that sums it up! My angle was about my engagement with people, work, society and so on. Interesting….