This is something that has crept up on me.

I’ve always had strong opinions on the way mobiles have changed the world and lead to us becoming disconnected from reality. Over the last few years I’ve found myself wasting so much time scrolling endlessly on stuff that adds no value to me. It was never my ‘go to’ when bored, I’d always go and do something outside/in nature, a feeling of connection.

There were times over the last few years where all we had were our screens, and this is where this unhelpful habit has formed. It’s also tapped in to my ‘fears’ or things I’m generally not comfortable with. Social media has presented a reality that isn’t real, and, in a way, heightened anxiety around certain situations. As I’ve stopped and watched videos in the past over conflict (road rage, fighting, arguing, disagreements – you get the picture!) these are now what show up in my feed (despite never having searched for them). This has caused my reality to shift that these are now expected/the norm with my interaction with the real world. It’s lead to me becoming defensive (on the inside) and preparing a defence/justification when I come across other people. I expect conflict/judgement because of what I’ve now made my reality. It’s tiring!

Awareness is the first step, as with any change. I’m pretty good at being aware (eventually) but taking the next step is where I’m not so good. It’s easy to stay in the new ‘norm’ as it’s what I’m used to. I’ve let ‘the tool’ take control of me. It’s funny, things that scare me (i.e. conflict) are things I actually want to watch. I’m not sure why, maybe it’s safe to just watch, maybe there’s a hope that I become comfortable with it. Fact is that it’s a huge negative. I expect the worst out of people now which is never a good starting point and something I’d worked hard to reverse.

I need to fill my time more productively, writing being one thing, hence me being back here again. So, screen time in itself is not the issue (well, excessive time is), it’s what I do with it!

I know I have a lot to say about a lot of things really, lots of thoughts to share and reflect on. I’ve been doing the classic ‘do anything other than what I know is good for me’.

I’m very good at keeping my physical discipline, exercising every day and setting targets/goals to keep me moving and motivated. I need to do the same thing with the mental side of my life as I know that writing is a good outlet. I know that I will grow from doing it.

I think about it daily, each morning I get up and say to myself ‘today is the day’, and each day I manage to avoid doing it. This leads to frustration with so many things that I want to write about, it just gets too much and too hard to just get started.

I’m definitely different in that I self censor way too much and ‘fear’ what society will think and how they will judge me. I know this was an old pattern that I thought I had overcome but it’s reared its head again after the last few years. I’ve given my power away.

I listen to various podcasts which gives me lots of thoughts to follow up on and the inspiration that if they can do it then so can I. I still feel as though it’s dangerous to think and believe differently in the modern society. The media (social included) is very black and white. It’s really quite frustrating that I’ve got to where I’m at, something that I’ve managed to create!

I’ve had quite a few ‘false restarts’ with my posts. Let’s hope that I can persevere and push past the fear

Or lack thereof. That’s been the pattern since my last post 18 months ago. It’s a funny (not funny) thing that creeps up and gets chipped away at. I’ve realised that I’m an introvert who learned to become an extrovert. I learnt to trust myself and my judgement and to just be myself. Since the whole pandemic thing I’ve reverted back and retreated back into my shell as it proved too dangerous to be myself. So who am I?

I can be super outgoing and the life of the party, but only if I get reward, recognition, validation, attention. If it’s shunned, misunderstood or not recognised I’ve been taking it personally and saying to myself ‘what’s the point in trying/making an effort’. I then change my behaviour and withdraw a little bit more.

I’ve also reverted to my ‘judgey’ self which never ends well. It compounds the lack of engagement for fear of judgement. I’m not sure I got back here, it may be a protection mechanism that actually doesn’t serve me well, focussing on what everyone else is doing wrong. Wrong, who says? Exactly, everyone is free to live by their own rules (within the law) but I guess my confidence has been rocked after the previous couple of years so I’ve reverted to old behaviour.

I’ve also found a link between my screen time and my apathy to do anything. That’s probably another post, along with how social media has really tapped into my fears and I’ve allowed that to cloud my perception of the world.

For now, that’s it, I’m back on the horse (not the bike).

Actually, I’ve just googled ‘engaged’, all images are about the prerequisite for getting married. The definition is interesting – busy, tied up, unavailable, occupied. Yep, that sums it up! My angle was about my engagement with people, work, society and so on. Interesting….

Again, I wrote this the same evening as I wrote the previous blog. In my mind I remembered it as talking about connection but it was in fact communication. It’s funny, looking back and reflecting on this because I was actually doing real life communication with people on the walk, with the wildlife I encountered, and with nature. There is so much reliance on digital communication and when it’s not available it’s a strange feeling of isolation.

Communication. As I mentioned previously, I’ve been doing a hike. It’s part of the Great Ocean Walk. I walked from Apollo Bay to Johanna beach, 60km over three days. There’s alot to be said about carrying everything you need for that amount of time. Well, for me anyway as it was my first time.

What’s been weird is having zero reception for the entire walk. No checking in with friends/family or sharing pictures. It’s 7pm as I type this, dark and in the tent ready for bed. Bizarre amount of time before I’m due to get up at 6am, well, eleven hours!!

I guess that’s pretty standard on a solo hike without daylight savings. It’s strange laying here listening to the ‘normal’ campers who are just starting for the evening, dinner, drinks, fire after a fun day playing around in the water.

I’m trying to remember a time before mobile phones. Even around taking pictures. They’ve enabled so much but it’s just weird when they’re literally just a camera. I have no idea what is going on anywhere else. It’s a good detox, I’m not a fan of them anyway but still use them when I have spare time.

I wrote the following whilst on my first hike on the Great Ocean Walk (April 15-17th). I had lots of time on my own and in nature, and being dark just after 6pm, it was too early to try and sleep….

Getting back on the bike. Wow, not a blog all year. I still have many thoughts, reflections, ideas but they come and go without me capturing them.

So, here I am again, getting back on the bike. It’ll feel a little wobbly for for the first few minutes but then everything will come back to me.

So, what have I got to say right now? Not a great deal, I’m currently on my second day of my first overnight hike. I’ve learnt lots and it’s been an amazing experience. The days leading up to my first time at anything were anxiety ridden. Packing, weight, logistics, so many things unknown. But, I’m here, two days down and in my tent for the second evening. Last day tomorrow, I’m sure there’ll be mixed emotions and I’ll be sure to spend time reflecting and writing.

I’m looking forward to doing more.

I just did a Clifton Strengths test at work and the results confirmed the belief I have in myself. I guess they would as the results are based on the answers I gave. I don’t mind sharing these with the world, as it’s who I am.

I’m yet to do the next step but I found the report interesting. What to do with it next?

Ignore, build on strengths, work on weaknesses, work on both….

For me, I’d like to focus on strengths. I’ve always said there’s no point in trying to fit a square peg in a round hold. Why would I try and be something that I’m clearly not? I guess there is merit in it in that it gives you another perspective. I guess it also makes you a more ’rounded’ person.

A recent analogy comes to mind…..

I’ve enjoyed running since I started in 2006. I found it easy and I could achieve things with minimal training or effort (I even began to take it for granted). I guess that came over time. Well, at the start of the year I got injured. Running was my identity (and strength) and when I couldn’t do it I felt lost. There was a feeling of loss and grief, particularly as it was my way of getting perspective/mental health (and obviously keeping fit (and eating/drinking what I like)).

So, I decided to do something, something that I’d avoided forever. Swimming. I’d avoided it because I wasn’t very good, I couldn’t breathe properly. So I decided to give it a go and push through the initial frustration and discomfort. I needed to give myself grace that I wasn’t supposed to be good with no effort. I was comparing myself to others. Not a good approach.

I persisted and got better, slowly. I even asked for help from people who could swim – hints and tips. It gave me the confidence to do a couple of sprint triathlons and I was happy with just being able to do it. I’ve continued and now swim 2-3 times a week in the sea. It’s given me a sense of achievement!

So, coming back to the start of this process, there is some merit in working on things I’m not that good at. The important thing is that I’m not that good and AND I want to improve. No point in trying to improve in an area I have no interest in.

Fallout. How else do you put it?

So, it’s done.

I held it together whilst I was being ‘monitored’ for side effects, but when I left I was overwhelmed with emotion. Mixed – relief, regret, hatred, anger, sadness. I sat there with my head in my hands and a nurse asked me if I was OK. Yeah, I just want to leave! I physically cried when I left.

The first in that list is relief, the only positive one in the list but the one that gave me some sort of freedom. It’s not complete freedom as I’m still not happy with my decision. From a wordly point of view I have my freedom but from a soul point of view I’ve sold myself. I don’t have to give the thought process hours of my time any more.

Lessons. This is obviously my lesson at this point in my journey. The overriding feeling is injustice and unfairness. But these are subjective and personal, that’s why I feel them. I’ve fought for justice before, in a man made world, some I’ve won and some I’ve lost, in my view and in a man made world. And that’s where I am with this, some things are just bigger than me. Yes, I could have ‘won’ but at what cost? My sanity!

At the end of the day, it’s an unfair world, I keep being confronted with this and it’s obviously a lesson I still need to learn. I’ve surrendered but I don’t agree. I still have my principles and my integrity. I can still hold my head up high and be proud of who I am and what I stand for. I can empathise with those going through tough times. I, I, I.

And there it is. It’s not about me!

But, I take so much personally. I think that’s one of my biggest lessons and I’m not sure how to overcome it at the moment. I quite like the challenge of fighting the ‘system’ or general perceived ‘society’. I have strong views on what’s right and wrong. And to quote myself – ‘The law is an ass (unless I agree with it)’

Resistance. Resistance is futile. What you resist persists. The quotes are endless!

So.

The shortest sentence ever. And that’s what surrender is. So. OK.

Now I’ve previously talked about surrender being a positive. It still may be, but from a different angle.

There’s been this thing going on that I don’t agree with. I’ve been spending my time thinking about it and plotting about how I’m going to beat it. Problem is that you can’t beat collective fear. I’ve said it’s (the response to the pandemic) like building a wall to contain a bushfire/tidal wave and I’m doing the same thing. Who am I in the whole scheme of everything?

I’ve learnt a lot in the process. Apartheid. Why can’t I be the 21^st century Rosa Parks? I’ve got too much to lose (even though I haven’t), she didn’t have social media/media pressure. I really do have no excuse apart from I don’t want the fight. I’ve fought so much already and had planned so much more but the stress of fighting is greater than the cost of surrender. It’s always a cost benefit analysis with me and the cost outweighed the benefit. I’m proud I’ve taken this long and I’m also sad that I’ve given in.

Have I? Well, yes, to my principles. I’ve said I’ll ‘die in a ditch’ for it. But why? Pride? To be right? To not be controlled. To stand up for what I believe to be right/wrong. This is a pivotal moment in history. All I can do is hold out til the last 10% and write a blog about it. But at least I did that, and for that, I’m proud of myself.

So, if that’s all I go down in history for is holding out until society beats me to a pulp then yeah, I’ve done my job.

I absolutely 100% don’t agree with what the government/media/social media has done to the culture but I accept it. I AM NOT PART OF IT. I really don’t like the way there is so much polarisation, just because you don’t agree then you’re anti-vax. What I don’t agree with is being bullied, I’m more than happy with my immune system.

Victoria is dead to me and I will never forget this moment (and the previous few months). Victoria is boasting about being a ‘world leader’ in percentage vaxxed – no shit, you coerced and bullied despite Australia not mandating it. Politics at its best.

The fight will go on, as the saying goes….

Lose the battle to win the war.

But my energy is best spent enjoying life……

Another appropriately timed podcast listen this morning. Today was Simon Sinek – Thinking Differently with Matthew Barzun . A couple of things jumped out for me.

The first one was pyramid vs. constellation thinking. There were so many great examples and analogies to compare these two ways of thinking. Pyramid is hierachical, top-down/bottom-up whereas constellation has no hierachy and is, from the outside, chaotic. Society mainly falls into pyramid but the whole point of the podcast was to offer this alternative view, hence ‘Thinking Differently’. I’d like to think of myself as someone who thinks differently, which leads me onto the second takeaway for me.

Matthew asked Simon a question along the lines of ‘if the world isn’t black and white, what is it?’. Simon answered ‘mulitcoloured’. This was the answer that only 1 in 10 people said when Matthew had asked this question previously. It reminded me of my recent blog where I talked about things not always being black and white, and sometimes grey is OK. Well, I fell into the 9 out of 10 people in this instance. Good timing!

Even better timing was how it directly related to a purchase I made recently. You’ve seen the picture!! I absolutely love it, I’ve called him ‘Freddie’. So, zebras are black and white and if they’re not then they’re a grey horse (not very inspiring or stand out). Apologies if there are any grey horses reading this, it’s just my opinion. Oh, fine line here, I’ve basically now offended zebras by saying they’re a stripy horse. Anway, back to ‘Freddie’, he’s the alternative way of thinking and I’ll have my daily reminder that the world is in fact multi-coloured! A reminder that there is so much beauty and freedom in looking at the world in a different way.

Presence. Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called the “present”. It’s a well known quote and one I struggle to practice.

I’ve read books about it, listened to podcasts about it, watched videos about it, talked about it, written about it, and yet at times I’m a million miles from it.

I guess I have to go there (away from it) to come back. Like most things, just becuase I’m aware of it doesn’t mean that I practice it every day. There are still so many times that I’m thinking about the past (guilt, regret, unforgiveness) or thinking about the future (fear, worry, anxiety). I know that it’s all a complete waste of time but still do it. The main one at the moment is anxiety, so many things still unknown and uncertain about what the future brings, I end up losing days to it.

Meditation is an avenue I’ve still to really get to grips with, I know it will help but I find it hard to switch off. I guess it’s like everything, practice and accept I’m not going to be the Dalai Lama overnight. That’s part of my problem, I expect to be an expert in a new thing straight away, I don’t give myself grace to learn and be patient with myself. I don’t persist.

So, today is all I have! I’ve lost my way a little as I used to be pretty good at appreciating the simple things, nature and so on. I also accept that it’s never a straight line and there will be ups and downs (or forwards/backwards). I really have been caught up in my mind worrying about things I can’t control. A routine would help, it sounds silly but a list of things to do would actualy help (i.e. gratitude, meditate, breathe and so on). I guess it needs to be a concious effort before it becomes a habit.