Censorship. I’ve been thinking about this quite a bit lately after listening to a podcast from Mark Groves called ‘The cost of censorship’. I’m trying to make sense of it and work out how what to do with it.

I find that with any topic, knowledge or awareness creates more problems initially. I guess it’s easy to be unconcious. There’s also the topic of intellectualisation, something I tend to do, think about things too much to try and understand, without allowing the feeling.

Anyway, that’s another story. Censorship, we’re concious of how this is done in other cultures and how dangerous free speach can actually be in some countries (leading to fear of death in the extreme). In first world countries we assume that we’re free to do and say what we believe (within the law). There’s also sensitivity of others’ feelings so it’s not just a case of saying exactly what we think. It’s a balance. I tend to live by a rule ‘if I can’t say something positive/kind in response to something I’m upset with, then say nothing at all’. It’s a form of self censorship, a form of self protection and a way of avoiding conflict.

I’m seeing more and more of it lately and the media/social media is doing a great job in supporting a single minded way of thinking. It’s too dangerous to question anything, everything really is black and white at the moment. I can be black and white at times but in this current situation I’m pretty grey. It relates to my previous posts on belonging. It’s really hard to keep my mouth shut, it feels like my hands are tied verbally. It’s my choice and I know it’s probably for the best if I keep my thoughts to myself and just observe society at the moment.

It’s funny, I never trusted myself, my judgement, my thoughts in my early years, I had a breakdown and went through years of therapy to get to a place where I own my thoughts, my opinions and beliefs, and I’m OK with not agreeing with others. All I ask is the same from everyone else, it’s all about acceptance for me. It comes down to trust and at the moment I don’t trust society and how individuals will react.

I’ll keep trying to be the observer…..

Authenticity Vs. Belonging. I’ve been listening to podcasts lately and I found this to be an interesting topic.

I (we) as humans are built to belong, and we seek it out at every opportunity, whether that be religion, sports team, interests, career and so on. Social media has amplified this and it’s now 24/7 (if you let it).

So, what happens if I’m honest (authentic)? I fear rejection, judgement, isolation, conflict, and even punishment at the moment. The pandemic has really highlighted some interesting aspects of society, all of which I can’t control. Each time I start to think about what’s wrong with the current situation I have to remind myself that I have to just look at myself.

I found the quote from Brene Brown and it’s appororiate to my topic. Self acceptance is the reward for being authentic.

Now, the fear. I was an extremely shy child/young adult with zero confidence or belief in myself. I avoided pretty much everything for fear of hurt. It was a lonely place. Over time, I learnt to trust myself and my voice. Moving to a new country meant that I had zero connections and had to work hard to build friendships, it was a growth period in my life and I’m grateful that I persisted. Now, here I am again at another crossroads, either I trust myself and potentially ‘lose’ ‘friends’, keep quiet (i.e. not be authentic), or lie to ‘fit in’. Now there are lots of ‘quoted’ words there, the one I’ll focus on is ‘friends’. Going back to the old social media chestnut, in my view it’s not a community so why am I afraid to be cast out? Who are my true ‘friends’, certainly not the ones listed on my facebook page. Yes, I get on with them and have a connection but why should I worry about their opinion or reaction? What have I got to lose? I sacrifice ‘self’ for belonging. The fear is that I’ll go back to the child/young adult scenario, but the realisation that I’m a completely different person gives me faith that the feeling will not be the same.

And this is not about people who don’t agree with me, for me it’s about acceptance. I accept people for the choices they make and I expect the same in return. Pre pandmemic this wasn’t an issue but now it is. But that’s my choosing and I need to be brave to be me and be OK with the consequences. To be authentic and honest is to be free.

Ring a Ring o’ Roses. I was chatting about this old nursery rhyme yesterday and how it should be re-written for covid so I had a little play this morning. It’s got alot of Australian/Victorian references as that’s where I am.

Ring a Ring o’ Steel
A cupboard full of loo roll
A-tishoo (into your elbow, thanks!), a tissue?
We all lockdown

You know the singles are in trouble
When all they can do is bubble
A-tishoo, a tissue?
We all love Dan

How long do we have to wait?
In the meantime, let’s all just put on weight!
A-tishoo, a tissue?
We all love Dan

Poor old Eliza
All she wants is Pfizer
A-tishoo, a tissue?
We all lockdown

The people want to groom
But instead, all they can do is zoom!
A-tishoo, a tissue?
We all love Dan

Sorry, I couldn’t unmute
All good, found it, you beaut!!
A-tishoo, a tissue?
We all lockdown

Those that have had the jab
Facebook thinks you’re fab!
A-tishoo, a tissue?
We all love Dan

Vaccine, vaccine, vaccine!!
We’re all part of the ‘machine’!
A-tishoo, a tissue?
We all lockdown

And guess what, if you don’t get vaccinated
You’re gonna be hated!
A-tishoo, a tissue?
We all love Dan

Or is it better to double
Than wear a fancy muzzle?
A-tishoo, a tissue?
We all lockdown

The kids have to learn from home
While the parents pin their hopes on Jeroen
A-tishoo, a tissue?
We all love Dan

What’s a QR code I hear you say
It’s what you have to do every day!
A-tishoo, a tissue?
We all lockdown

Have you checked in?
I only came in for some Chicken!
A-tishoo, a tissue?
We all love Dan

It’s now illegal to protest
Who’d have thought we’d turn commune(i)st
A-tishoo, a tissue?
We all lockdown

Antivax?
Check your facts.
A-tishoo, a tissue?
We all love Dan

Pro Choice?
Not any more Joyce
A-tishoo, a tissue?
We all lockdown

Remember to sanitise
It’s not like the media to over dramatise
A-tishoo, a tissue?
We all love Dan

You’re gonna need a passport
If you wanna play your sport
A-tishoo, a tissue?
We all lockdown

We’ve all turned into alcoholics
And maybe also take some narcotics
A-tishoo, a tissue?
We all love Dan (Murphys)

I thought Corona was a beer
But now it drives our fear!
A-tishoo, a tissue?
We all lockdown

And finally, Covid is here to stay
So let’s open up, no delay.
And let the kids play!

Comparison. It’s a message that I’m getting repeated daily at the moment, reading, watching, listening to stuff and comparison is the message.

On typing comparison into google, google suggests that ‘comparison is the thief of joy’. I’d have to agree.

Apparently, it’s human nature to compare, so I guess the key is learning to not let that need control us and how we think about ourselves (or indeed others). It leads to judgement and that possibly leads to inferiority or superiority. It’d be great to accept myself for ‘exactly’ who I’m supposed to be. Why do I need to conform? Again, it goes back to acceptance and ‘fitting in’.

The way the world is now with social media, media and consumerism we’re being bombarded with messages, images, videos that potentially damage our views and acceptance of ourselves.

I’m pleased I’m not into social media, media or TV, it’s impossible to live up the ‘fake’ and unattainable. I still do compare though, and I think that comes down to self esteem and ego. It feels like it’s getting harder to be different, have a different view or go against the majority thinking.

When I do venture into facebook I soon come away wondering what’s going on with the world and where it’s heading. I guess that’s not my problem, all I can control is what I do. I’d love to get to the point where I don’t compare/judge. I guess, as with most of my other blogs where I want to change, awareness is the first step.

Signposts. What’s their purpose?

To direct us?

To guide us?

To help us?

All of the above.

Now, I’ve always been led by emotion, which is great if it’s a good one and not so great if it’s a not so good one. I’ve trusted my emotions and been led by them. But I was listening to a podcast the other day where they were called signposts, an indication to a trigger. Their purpose is to highlight the trigger for us to then work out why that event triggered that emotion. Apparently it’s possible to not trust emotion (I know this really but I struggle to fight it).

Triggers. We all have them. They’re things we can’t control, they’re external events. It goes back to the principle that all we can control is how we take it (perception). So, I guess there’s a process of working backwards and then forwards. Trigger leads to the emotion, the emotion links to a past event, the present isn’t the past so we have to reprogram ourselves and look at the event differently. I guess that’s what CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) is, challenging an unhelpfel belief/perception and looking at alternatives.

So, I guess the lesson from hearing that emotions are signposts is to use that to question why that emotion was triggered and then make a choice on how I respond. Take control of the emotion rather than let the emotion control me.

Mantras. These are key to changing negative thought patterns. I’ve recently been going through some things and I’ve found that a simple mantra overides the unconcious or concious negative thoughts about myself or a situation.

There was a time at school where we, as a class, were given ‘lines’ to learn not to repeat unacceptable behaviour. I can’t remember a specific time ( I was very good at school) but I’ll make one up that gets my point across.

So, I was caught running in the corridors. I’d been warned previously to ‘not run’, but running in corridors is fun. I was given the sentence ‘ I must not run in corridors’ to write (with a pen and paper (i.e. no copy/paste)) 1000 times. This was painful but a great exercise and something I didn’t want to repeat. So, guess what, I didn’t run in corridors again. I’ve always been keen to find shortcuts so I shortened this to ‘I mustn’t run in corridors’, actually the same amount of characters but it was also my internal rebel doing it ‘my way’. The teacher wasn’t (was not) impressed so gave me another 1000 lines of ‘I must not be a smart arse’. I wrote it correctly this time but I refused to give up being a smart arse.

So, back to the present day. There have been some confidence/self esteem issues lately (well, that came to surface, they’ve always been there!) so I’ve decided to try and break the negative cycle by repeating a simple phrase. To illustrate this point for this blog I did my usual thing of searching google for ‘I am good enough’ mantras. I couldn’t find what I was looking for so I actually had to write it out in real life (shock horror). I tend to avoid writing things down so it was good to actually do it. It’s something that is always good, writing things down makes it real and tangible (i.e. more believable).

I am good enough

A very simple sentence, why is it so hard to believe? Years and years of conditioning, something that won’t change overnight.

Over the last few days I’ve listened to and read alot of self improvement stuff so have a long list of topics I’d like to explore. Stay tuned in……

Where does it come from? As per my usual approach I just googled ‘self image distortion in a mirror’ to try and find an image to accompany my blog. It all centered around body image, which is understandable as I used the word mirror. But how we see ourselves is 100% driven by our mind/ego. It’s not just the physical that we have a distorted view of, it’s who we think we are as people. Pretty much our core beliefs. I’ve probably written about it before come to think of it but it’s an ongoing thought about where it comes from and how to unpick it.

Our view is our perception which isn’t the actual truth. I know most of us (if we’re honest with ourselves) have a negative view of ourselves, it’s where the saying ‘we’re our own worst critic’ comes from. We don’t give ourselves grace or any leeway to make mistakes. We are self critical and self judgemental. Why? At what point do we change and absorb (believe) the lies that we’re told. The sources would be parents, teachers, society, media, social media, peers but why do we give it so much power and lose who we truly are?

I don’t mind admitting that I have insecurities and confidence issues at times. I’ve changed alot but I still have triggers that take me back to certain points in my life. There would have been a decision at that point to either believe it or not, and following on from that, the replaying over and over again of the scenario. This makes it much bigger than it was and possibly why it’s so hard to undo.

I guess, going forward, the trick is to not replay events and accept them as a one off, not defining who we are as people.

We see the world as we are, not how it is. This goes back to perception, everything we have experienced has led to our beliefs, which in turn distorts how we see things.

Wouldn’t it be great to get back to the ‘actual’ truth and not what our egos have created!? I’ve no answer to the ‘How?’, I’m just trying to understand how it all starts and how to then begin to undo the lies that we’ve allowed to become our truths.

I’ve been sat here wanting to write about stuff but not knowing where to start or what to say. There’s so much going round my head at the moment it’s hard to pin anything down.

Roller Coaster came to mind as that’s what this past 18 months has been. There were life’s ups and downs prior to this but this one is a big one, world wide. I did start to go down the path of worrying about how we are coming out of this, what state people’s mental health will be, the effect on small businesses, and so on. That became overwhelming and tiring so I’ve tried to stop.

I keep going back to ‘what’s the point’ – in many scenarios, health, work, food, drink, exercise, relationships. Everything just seems too hard. I try really hard at something and feel like I get the opposite outcome (i.e. not the reward that I was expecting). My thoery is, be good = good things happen, be kind = receive kindness and so on. You get back what you give but this is being challenged at the moment. I guess becuase I’m expecting something in return and I’m not getting it, hence the ‘what’s the point’ attitude.

It all comes down to taking things personally, we’re all doing our best and all suffering to varying degrees. If someone doesn’t return a smile it’s not about me but I go down the ‘what’s the point’ road, much easier lately. I guess I’m tired, like we all are.

Some days are OK, some aren’t. There aren’t many spectacular days. I know so much is out of my control and that I need to focus on what I can control and learn from this, but some days I just can’t be bothered.

I wonder when this will all end, and the not knowing is really hard to accept.

A quote I read recently from Winston Churchill – ‘When you’re going through hell, keep on going‘ is one that has helped in the past. Everything is temporary, just try my best and keep moving knowing that will end at some point.

I’d originally saved a roller coaster picture to accompany the title but the quote is more powerful so that’s what I’ve gone for.

It is a roller coaster for sure, the first time in my lifetime that every single person is a passenger

There’s alot of it about at the moment. I see it and feel it most days, in myself and others.

I’ve been through angry stages previously, it was mainly directed inward. I’ve also used it as a fuel for action, it has serious amounts of energy!

Anger is a powerful emotion and I’ve learnt that it’s a trigger to ask the question ‘why’? It’s an easy emotion to feel but not an easy one to express productively, but it’s all about how it’s expressed. It’s uncomfortable.

I’ve also learnt that it’s a secondary emotion, from experience, it’s easier to feel angry than what the true emotion is. In the past it’s covered up sadness and a feeling of loss. Those emotions were really scary and overwhelming, too hard! But I did learn that they weren’t as bad as expected. They didn’t go on forever, the world didn’t collapse, I came out the other side. They’re still not great emotions to feel but they’ll always be there if not acknowledged and processed.

At the moment, for me, the anger is triggered by fear, anxiety, loss, insecurity and sadness. As with most things I want to write about, I tend to search for an appropriate image. I found the iceberg and it’s a great representation of how I am and we are as a society at the moment. I’ve identified with the emotions ‘beneath the surface’ and I’m sure if I asked anyone else, they would be able to too.

I can feel the energy around me, which in itself creates anxiety about how people will react. Most people are near boiling point and the slightest thing can cause them to boil over. I’ve found myself reacting to things that normally wouldn’t bother me. I think the key is to literally do the classic ‘count to ten’ before reacting and then question ‘why’?

It’s also a powerful reminder for me to look beyond someone’s behaviour and show empathy and compassion for what they really are feeling underneath.

I’ve decided to make an effort in surrounding myself with positive (reading/listening/people) rather than the media. It really does make a difference. What I focus on determines my mood, outlook and optimism.

I’ve always been pretty inconsistent with who I am. If I walk into a room of sad people I’ll act/be sad to fit in, in fear of standing out, being different, being judged, being misunderstood, having to justify my difference. Consistency is key, or at least feeling what ‘I’ want to feel. Conversely, it’s OK for me to be sad when surrounded by happy people.

Fear continues to play a big part in my life, it’s a challenge!! The key for me is to acknowledge it but not let it control me. It might not be big steps but it’s the small things that prove that fear isn’t real.

Going back to the topic, I sometimes listen to music when I’m walking but yesterday something told me to listen to a motivational podcast (on my walk after writing my blog). It happened to be Jim Carrey and he had alot of good things to say. The one thing that stood out for me was this:

Your need for acceptance can make you invisible in this world. Don’t let anything stand in the way of the light that shines through this form. Risk being seen in all of your glory.

Now this relates to what I wrote about yesterday and what I wrote above, acceptance. I’ve come a long way in trusting myself, making my own rules up and living my life the way I want to live it. I’ve given up trying to explain/justify myself to those who don’t get it. I accept that everyone is entitled to live the life that they want, as I am. It’s therefore been a massive challenge with what’s happened in the last 18 months. It’s hard to be ‘me’ when there is so much fear and so many rules (as it is for most people).