This has been on my mind lately and there’s been signs (literally) everywhere. All about shining your light in a dark world. And what a dark world we currently live in, in my view alot of darkness is driven by fear.

One of my favourite quotes is from Marianne Williamson and it’s very appropriate at the moment:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

I don’t mind admitting that I have had many dark times, a few in recent months with all the uncertainty and fear that surrounds us all. There have been times when I gave it power and could see no light, let alone shine my own. It’s having faith that everything will work out and that everything is temporary.

I have been weakened by reading media/social media and taken on board other people’s fears. This has lead me to fear judgement or conflict. There have been times when being outside that I expected the worst so have felt anxious and withdrawn. I stopped shining my light for fear that it would be misunderstood. Now, when I talk about light, it could just be a smile or hello to a stranger. It could just be a message out of the blue to a friend. It could just be a hug. It’s not big stuff but it makes a big difference, not just to those on the outside, my soul needs it.

And darkness is part of life, without it we can’t appreciate the light. I did a random google search about darkness/light quotes and thought I’d share – https://healingbrave.com/blogs/all/quotes-about-darkness-and-light .

No doubt this is the toughest time that most of us have faced in life. Now is not the time to turn on each other. Shine your light and send love into the world.

I saw the sign on a recent walk around my neighbourhood, it’s very appropriate!

And just like a hangover after drinking too much, there’s now an emotional hangover from feeling too much.

There should be a sense of relief and freedom from taking action. I know there will be in time, but the initial thoughts are around doubt, fear, judgement and maybe even a feeling of regret and failure.

Not all decisions are easy, not just making them but living with the consequences. It’s taken me over 3 years to make this one and I’ve no doubt there will be fall out. It’s easier if I’m expecting it but I know it’ll still be hard.

Moving on, I’m ensuring that I’m surrounded by people who love me, accept me, don’t judge me, support me, and want the best for me. Life is too short to have people in my life who aren’t on the same page.

I’ve talked alot about fear and the struggles of living with the emotions that are hard. I avoid saying negative emotions as they are part of life and I appreciate the full spectrum. Going forward I’m going to explore the feelings and emotions at the other end of the scale.

This is a big one.

I’ve got years of hurt with regard to not seeing my children. I’ve not seen my daughter Megan since she was 5 years old, she’s now 18. I obviously won’t go into detail but summarise by saying that I fought through the courts for 4 years. All I ended up with was a breakdown. The breakdown at the time was super tough but it gave me the opportunity to rebuild my life, look at where things didn’t work and change them. Basically starting off with new foundations and building brick by brick. The analogy I use is that my house was built on sand, the slightest thing would shake me.

Fast forward to today and I’m a completely different person. I’ve surrendered and accepted not seeing Megan. I’m always here for her and always will be. I live in hope that one day she will know the truth but I can’t focus on when that may be. I have to live my life in the present and focus on what I have. It took me years to get to this place of gratitude, focussing on what I have, rather than what I don’t have. Accepting that I can’t change anything outside of myself, just the way that I take things.

But, a similar thing is happening with my other child, Eli. Megan is in England and I’m in Australia. Eli is in Australia. Again, I won’t go into details as it’s not appropriate, but the end result is the same, I’m not seeing Eli. Now, I’ve learnt from the pain endured with Megan that this is something that I can’t go through again. I try so hard to maintain contact but my calls are unanswered and my texts not replied to. I’ve tried to introduce routine, I’ve tried everything and got nothing. So, the next step, which is painful but necessary for my own wellbeing, is to surrender and accept. I will stop trying as the expectation and subsequent pain/disappointment is too much to handle. Again, I will always be here for Eli but for my own sanity I have no time dealing with people who want to hurt me. I don’t like games, manipulation and lies so I will avoid anyone who does that.

Lots of lies have been told, so many to the point that I actually started to believe them and question who I am. I know I’m a good person and I’m standing up and saying that enough is enough. The picture that’s painted is not the truth. I, and a few close friends know the truth and I trust that the truth always wins. Maybe not in my time but it does. I choose to no longer react.

I’ve talked before about surrender and how I thought it was giving up. It’s not. There comes a point in life where we realise who we are and what we’re worth. I no longer need to accept anything that doesn’t align with who I am. The question of avoidance comes up at this point but I think it’s fair to say that taking action on a situation isn’t avoiding it.

Thoughts. We all have them, thousands of them. We can’t control them but we can choose what we do with them.

I was thinking the other day how easy it is to have a single thought and replay it over and over until it feels like it becomes reality. And the funny (not funny) thing is that we tend to be really good at doing this with unproductive thoughts.

I’ve thought about a quick checklist to run through when I find myself going over the same unproductive thoughts.

Is it real?

Is it productive?

Is it improving my life?

Is it improving my mood?

There are probably quite a few other questions but simply answering ‘no’ to any of the above should be evidence enough to stop the thought process.

It’s funny though, a bit like the seed post, once it’s in my head it’s hard to get out, even when I decide that I don’t want to think it any more. I guess it takes practice, to try and flip the thought, to focus on what’s real, to replace it with gratitude. It’s about breaking the cycle/spiral

Where the mind goes, the man follows. It’s a quote from somewhere but it’s so true. It’s great to have a creative mind when I use it in a positive way, to see opportunities, to have fun, to find humour, to explore, to solve problems. It’s not so great when it’s used in a negative way. It’s amazing how it can focus on one word or phrase and grow that into a complete fantasy story. It’s like a seed growing.

I guess a great analogy would be a positive seed growing into a beautiful flower or tree, and on the flip side a negative seed growing into a weed or thorn bush. We all know how much care is needed to grow something that we want – we talk to it, we water it, we prune it. It takes effort. Again, on the flip side, weeds take absolutely no effort to grow, they grow quickly, they starve the beautiful flowers of light and water. They’re almost impossible to get rid of.

The only way to truly remove a weed is to dig it up by the roots. The weed tends to have deep roots and a prickly exterior to intimidate, from the outside it looks too hard and painful. Once you push past that you’re then met with never ending roots. It takes time to weed the garden but the reward is worth it. A colourful and light filled garden for all to see.

Freedom. I’ve been thinking about this quite a bit lately.

There was obviously alot of physical restrictions on freedom last year (and still ongoing restrictions internationally).

I’m thinking more about mental and emotional freedom. We’re all technically free to live whatever life we choose (within the law, etc) but I know that I’m not, so my assumption is that the vast majority aren’t either.

So, why not?

As always it comes down to the tool that we’ve given too much power to, our brain. So why are we prisoners in our own minds? Pretty much all comes down to our favourite four letter word, FEAR.

We have all experienced hurt from our past and no one wants to be hurt so we base current decisions based on past hurts and experiences. That’s a fairly logical thing to do. But it stops us moving beyond that hurt, we see the world not as it is, but how we perceive it to be. What is the truth? It’s a good question. I guess the thing to do is be concious of our reactions/behaviour to a certain event, backtrack to the thought that led us there and then understand why we had that thought? Is it reasonable or is it based on hurt?

An illusion of freedom appears when I’ve avoided situations that could potentially hurt me. But that’s not living my true self. I’d love to get to the point where I genuinely am free, like most things it’s tough to change deep rooted and even unconcious hurts. But, like any mountain, the only thing that matters is one step at a time. Persevere until I get to the top, then enjoy the view!!

Even seeing or hearing the word conjurs up a negative thought. Why is that? As babies and toddlers we have no concept of the label ‘failure’ or ‘success’, we just ‘do’ until we achieve what we set out to achieve. But as a baby we don’t even set out to achieve, as in we don’t say to ourselves ‘today I’m going to learn to walk’. Becuase we have no defined target we have no expectation so there is no ‘failure’ when we fall down for the 100th time. Yes, it’s tiring, yes, it’s frustrating, but we persevere.

For me the reason that failure is so impactful growing up is that society and ‘the system’ looks down on failure. School rewards achievement, not effort. We attach failure to who we are, ‘I’m a failure’. It all comes back to ego. In the past I would avoid anything if there wasn’t 99% chance of success, a comfort zone where I wouldn’t hurt. I’ve learnt that we don’t learn from success, taking the easy path is rarely ever the most rewarding, or where we grow the most.

I love the quote from Batman begins – ‘Why do we fall, Bruce? So we can learn to pick ourselves up again.‘ Taking the story of how batman evolved through the film, we see multiple failures whilst he perfects his suit/equipment.

What stops me trying something new? Fear! Fear of what? Failure!

Looking around at the ‘successful’ people, whether that be sport, business, life, and so on, they have all failed many, many times. The natural world doesn’t have these labels and feelings attached to them. I recently watched a spider repairing a web that must have taken hours to make. It just got on with it.

I’ll touch on another topic as it’s related, purpose. I think one of our purposes on this planet is to learn and grow. This goes hand in hand with failure, in my opinion.

There’s alot of things coming out of the decision at the weekend, some good, some challenging (isn’t all challenging good??).

Initially (and it’s still there to a degree) is the focus on what I’ve lost, my ability to run. As a runner, it’s my identity, who am I if I can’t run? Well, I’m still a runner, I’m just having a break to recover. There’s alot around identity here (and loss of), probably another post in itself.

Anyway, the topic of today is gratitude. I’ve learnt from previous experiences that focussing on what I don’t have/can’t have is enough to destroy me mentally. Pretty much everything is out of my control so I’ve learnt to focus on what I do have/can have. Can I change what I don’t/can’t have? No? What’s the point in giving it my attention. That also comes down to acceptance. So, I guess the first step is acceptance and then it’s a choice to be grateful.

It’s so easy to take everything for granted, health, security, shelter, water, freedom (that was challenged last year!), life…. the list is endless. It hurts to lose something, it’s important to acknowledge and feel that loss and that then allows me to move past it.

I have so much to be grateful for right now, the lack of running is pushing me to improve my swimming and cycling (funny that I’ve recently done a triathlon and these are my areas I need to improve upon!). It’s dangerous being a one trick pony! I’m obviously just talking about my exercise alternatives (I need that for my mental and physical health), but there’s also everything else in my life that I’m grateful for.

I’m also looking at persevering with meditation/relaxation. I struggle to stay still/switch off, hence my active lifesystyle.

Gratitude is a real struggle sometimes so I’d like to make it a dialy practice

Where do I start on this one? Background – I’ve been running really well, the best I ever have lately. But I’d been noticing a heel pain in the mornings or after rest. I don’t do doctors, etc but decided to google it, turns out it’s plantar fasciitis. This was 2 weeks ago so I decided to be sensible and not run as I had a half marathon on 21st March. I continued to walk, swim and do more cycling.

I decided to do a trial ‘run’ 5k on the morning of the half marathon which I did, but the pain was bad afterwards. I had people telling me I shouldn’t run which then fuels my ego more to prove a point that I can. I have to run, I’ve never had a DNS (Did Not Start) in 15 years of running!!

I go to an event and bump into another runner who I’d met on the last run before stopping running a couple of weeks back. He too was due to run in the evening (the 10k), he too had pulled up injured with a similar injury but he had decided to not run. I pondered during this event and when he came to wish me luck I told him that he’d inspired me to not run.

I figured that the money was sunk regardless of the outcome but by not running I knew I wouldn’t do any more damage. I decided to go to the running event to collect my bib as a momento, caught up with a few running friends and wished them luck then returned home to rest.

I really thought hard about why I had to run injured and it all came back to ego! I had the knowledge so it would have been foolish to let the ego win this one.

I remembered that my last ‘ego’ run was a half marathon that I’d run in 2017, that ended up with me not being able to walk for a week. I was training and running well but had a niggle in the knee. I ran on ibuprofen and continued to ran even after something went in my knee at 10k. I got a PB but at what cost??? To this day it’s weaker……

It made me realise that I’m not invincible. If I was talking to a friend I would have advised they don’t run, so took my own advice. It was a very tough decision to make and I was grateful to have support.

A humbling experience

This seems to be the theme lately at work. I’m feeling like I need to get my point across to the point where it will become a battle of wills. I know I’m right but what does it matter? Do I need the final word? That’s probably what the other party will be thinking too so it’ll be a never ending spiral achieving nothing. It’s best to just walk away as the need to be right is pure ego. And at the end of the day we can both be right as we’re coming at it from different angles/perspectives. It’s a good reminder though that it’s all just fluff that the ego hangs on to to prove a point.