Pandora’s box or a can of worms. That’s the problem with opening either, you have to deal with what’s inside.

The three days of blogs took its toll, Tuesday in particular was tough, there was an overwhelming sadness, close to tears over silly things, emotions were near the surface. The good thing is that I know they’re temporary and sleep always helps, it’s like going down a dip and coming out of the other side. It’s acknowledging the feelings and allowing them to pass through, it’s quite easy to indulge and focus on them though.

It’s like any change worth doing, hard at the start, it’s like learning to run, everything hurts and the brain’s protection mechanism kicks in to say it’s too hard. I have to question the protection mechanism, it gets in the way of growth and change. 

Connection. I mentioned in my last blog, how can I feel connected when I’m not connected to self?

Humans need connection – fact.

I mentioned about being chipped away at, the past months have chipped away at our souls. Babies die without love and connection, they are pure souls. As adults, we can rationalise but our souls suffer the same. Our bodies are shells in which our souls are inhabiting for our time on earth, on the outside we look the same, but on the inside we have died a little. I did a quick search to see what was on the internet about this and there’s lots! I tend not to go into too much detail reading wise as knowledge can add to the problem. I did find this one article interesting

There is a weird social anxiety going on at the moment, for me, I’m not worried about catching anything, my anxiety is around how other people will react/behave and also around the ‘rules’. Views are as polarising as religion and politics, in this instance though it’s not OK to have a view that goes against the majority.

Identity. I keep hearing and seeing this word, I think it’s something to look at.

My identity, it’s what I do, what I say, what I think, what I think other people think, what other people say, what society says, what society expects, what I believe, what I’ve experienced, what I think I should be/do/become, what I don’t do, it’s excuses, it’s fear, it’s love, it’s the whole spectrum of emotions (if I allow them), it’s honesty, it’s not being honest, it’s truth, it’s non truth. It’s confusing!

I’m a runner but what if I can’t run? Who am I?

I’m an adventurer and explorer, but what if I can’t?

I’m social and I’m private.

Most of my identity is what I choose, what I can control. If my freedom to choose is taken away, what do I become? I think this year has had a big impact on myself, my friends, my family and society. I think by losing my identity I’ve lost connection with myself and in turn I feel disconnected to others. The months have chipped away at my creativity and passion for life, it has turned into a mundane existence of routine and boredom.

But then it’s also given me clarity on what’s important. It’s tested my patience, faith and trust beyond what I thought was possible.

It’s a work in progress, I’ll keep exploring my inner self.

Momentum. Now the first step has been taken to resume how do I start to build momentum? I guess it’s like any sort of training/routine/habit, it will take commitment to make it the norm again. I keep thinking back to when I was making notes and capruring ideas months ago, there’s a part of me wondering how I did that and then there’s the cycle of wishing I was back in that zone.

The same can be said about anything in life I guess, replaying past actions and wishing it was the same. That approach normally has a negative effect so I guess it’s a case of flipping how I see that and using it to motivate me, I could do it in the past so it’s still in me. And even not giving it too much power, that was past, I’m a different person now so why would I compare myself?

Maybe it’s a case of less thinking and more action again. There does seem to be alot of ‘analysis paralysis’ going on. There’s also the need to have some groundbreaking epiphany every day, not realistic. I shouldn’t put pressure to have something deep and profound to say.

So, back to the question….. small steps is the way to build momentum.

The Dragonfly. Wow, this has been an interesting six months. So much has changed since my sadness post. It was an appropriate pause and sadness has been an ongoing theme throughout. Grief and loss linked to quite a few situations. It’s easier to be angry and frustrated but they’re not productive.

I’ve gone through a range of emotions, as I’m sure the whole world has. I’ve left it too long to put this down in words but that’s a pattern of mine, lots of thinking but no action. It’s like a break from running, there’s anxiety about restarting, will I be able to still run? I guess the same applies here, will I still be able to write? Will I be able to express myself or will it just be a confising mess of words? The anxiety around restarting is always much bigger than the reality. Of course I can run, of course I can write. Think less and do more!!

Anyway, the dragonfly. It’s my spirit insect and has guided me well. Lately I’ve been seeing more and more which is always a sign that I’m on the right path. Yesterday I had a new experience which has prompted me to restart my blog.

I was out kayaking in the bay on a calm and sunny evening. Near the end I spotted bubbles in the water and went to investigate. It was a dragonfly that had obviously misjudged the waves and was drowning. I circled back and tried a couple of times to lift it out with my paddle, it kept falling back into the sea when the water would run off. Third time lucky! It’s obviously struggling so I aim to try and get back to shore to put it somewhere safe to recover. This is pretty tricky when I had to keep the left end of the paddle horizontal. I manage to use the right end but obviously end up going round in circles. I start to paddle using my left hand and eventually make it back to shore. I place my paddle so that it remains horizontal and go to stand up. With that the dragonfly has recovered enough and decides to takes off, one of the four wings takes a bit of time to work properly but eventually it sets off towards the sun. My job is done! I look back over my shoulder and away from the sun to be rewarded with a stunning rainbow.

There are signs everywhere and beauty in everything. It has been a choice to focus on the negative and what I’ve lost or can’t have. It’s a reminder that life is fragile, sometimes I feel like I’m drowning in emotions. It’s all short term, life is short and there is so much to be grateful for.

Sadness. I push it down. I’m an expert on avoidance. I think I’m coping with a situation but I’m actually avoiding it. Too painful for my soul to endure. Or is it? The universe gives us what it thinks we can endure. It’s an opportunity, like a mountain is. Avoid the mountain or run up it? It’s always going to be there. 

Confrontation. I’ve realised that I avoid it. Well, I always knew that, so now what?

It seems that the confrontationalists love this current scenario, and the ‘system’ supports it. I’m not a fan of fear or being told what to do. This is where we’re at. Control. I’m even doubting my ability to make decisions. I know I’m happy living the life I want to live, ordinarily this works as I can avoid the fear mongers. 

I’ve realised that because I feel judged then I judge. Or at least prepare a response for being judged. I’ve become very defensive, I anticipate conflict so prepare a response. Walks and runs are tiring emotionally as I’m anticipating a negative response. 

I’m realising more and more that I need to trust myself. I’ve tried to avoid media but it’s impossible. There will be a new world coming out of this and I’m excited. Everything happens for a reason and the reason is conciousness. 

Problem is that I give too much power to what other’s think, even random strangers. That means I’m not confident within myself. Frustrating. 

I wrote this at the start of the month as more of an idea than a reflection. But, given what’s been going on over the last few weeks it’s semi relevant now. Wouldn’t it be great to be able to simulate well enough that you experienced the same feelings…..

How far away are we from true ‘Virtual Reality’?? I’m talking about a completely immersive experience (not just visual/aural). The problem of ‘Time Travel’ may be solved by this. How can you truly replicate the real thing? That’s the challenge!! There would be the replication of smells, temperature/humidity, wind, touch and other senses I haven’t thought of. There would need to be the ability to walk in any direction without physically moving, a bit like a 360 degree treadmill (that feels natural), and how would that replicate texture under foot (i.e. grass, mud, concrete).

I recently did a ‘walk the plank’ type challenge that had me walk along a plank on the floor. Logically a very simple process. They gave me a VR headset which replicated the plank being a beam on top of a skyscraper. The brain reacted as if it was real and my legs were jelly. So, the trick is to fool the brain as that is the thing that processes all of our inputs.

You can’t obviously beat actually experiencing anything in real life but the opportunity to create something very close is just around the corner. The environment is one thing, interacting with ‘live’ objects is another. How would this change travel? Could you get close to experiencing certain destinations purely by VR? That would be my focus (i.e. replicating the feeling of water/swimming with dolphins would be tough), but exploring or flying over the Grand Canyon/Great wall of China??. Then there’s the headset, that needs to go, a bit like replacing glasses with contact lenses.

Responsibility. Mmm, this one’s a bit fresh but I’ll go with it….

So, the scenario is that I’m out running on some trails after being couped up all day. Loads of space and surrounded by nature. Perfect, right? Until I have a run in with a 1.5m preacher. I’m still pissed off by it and it happened two hours ago. Keep replaying it, should’ve said this type replays. Anyway, back to the details. I’m running on a trail, it’s fairly wide, say 2m. I see a guy up ahead walking and talking (walking away) , I work out that he has earphones in. He’s on the left side of the track and as I get closer the track bends and he moves to the middle. There’s still room to pass. I’m running on a trail so it’s gravel (ie noisy to run on). I pass him on the right, he jumps, not realising I’m there as he has earphones in. Starts waving his arms and saying 1.5m! I continue running but turn and say ‘you were in the middle of the track’. He replies ‘Are you serious, do your research’. I continue to run but I’m filled with anger so start walking. As the tracks weave I look down and he’s staring so I stare. I continue to walk for the next 2k trying to work out what’s going on, wanting to turn around and have an argument. That’s not like me but I’m sick of making allowances.

So, back to responsibility. I wanted to point out to him that a, if he wasn’t in the middle of the track there would have been room, b, if he didn’t have earphones in he would have heard me, c, if he’s so fucking precious maybe he should be inside. I’m sick of the people who now have a perfect platform to play the victim. It’s everyone else’s fault, right?

I have to try and work out why it wound me up so much. It’s good to post now, in the moment, whilst the feeling is still high and before I’ve had time to reflect. This is my inner self. It’s clearly an ego thing that I need to look at

Adapt. The more I read and the more I talk to people, I realise this is what we have to do to survive life. Things have happened in the past few weeks that have stopped us doing our ‘norm’. I have seen some great ways of how people are being creative and adapting, how businesses are changing their fundamental business practices. There can be no ‘we’ve always done it that way’ mentality any more. It’s forcing people outside of what was a ‘normal’, safe, comfort zone. It’s tearing up the blueprint of society and giving us teh opportunity to draw up a new one.

I’ve realised that my recent posts have been more of a social observation and commentary but I try and bring it back to what I can do or how I am feeling.

The world is changing at a rapid pace and the only way to survive is to adapt, this applies to more than just the current situation. There is opportunity everywhere. In the short term there will be grief, anger, fear and sadness as we have lost our community. But, it will be choice on how we get through this and also how we change going foward.

It’s a massive wake up in the ‘taking for granted’ stakes. We are starting to appreciate the simple things that we didn’t have time to appreciate. The fluff around the outside has been taken away and we are being forced to go back to the basics. Now is a time to practice gratitude.

I’m talking about we and us but this applies to me. I’ve experienced the emotions above, I’ve been resistant to ‘being controlled’, I’ve focussed on what I can’t do rather than what I can. It’s time to slow down, breathe and embrace this (I know, easier said than done!!)……